So my question isn't how a sibling leaving changes family dynamics, but rather, how and why does separation within a family either strengthen or weaken bonds? Do you start missing them less and less or more and more? In what situations does your perspective become true and how has this personally affected you?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Separating Bond
Me and my older brother used to fight ALOT. And most fights ended in either one of us bleeding and/or yelling at each other. Four days before my older brother moved to the dorms, we had a heart to heart. In less than twenty minutes, 15 years of contempt for each other evaporated as his departure quickly put things into perspective.
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As I said in class, I have an older brother who I am 6 years apart from and I was incredibly upset when he left for college. We never fought much growing up; we just were not very close. When he left for college at the Air Force Academy, our bond grew for several reasons. One, he was in a stressful and intense environment. College is tough enough as it is and putting the military pressures on top of all that made things that much harder for him. Two, our mom was diagnosed with cancer within weeks after him beginning basic training. I believe that our bond was strengthened because we had never really “needed” each other. We had both been so emotionally dependent from each other. But suddenly my brother and I immediately found comfort within each other. I wrote him letters constantly. We were going through a hard time as a family, dealing with the absence of him and now the scary unknown medical situation my mom was in. We realized we had taken our relationship for granted.
Even though we were siblings, always there for each other, we never realized how much we could trust each other. My brother always had the mentality that he could push me around all he wanted but the second someone else pushed me around it was definitely NOT okay. He had that “protective” feeling over me but I guarantee he never considered me a friend. When he left, I missed him more and more because since we were both maturing, we would talk about more personal things and just talk more frequently in general. I especially hated not having him around when I was in high school, dealing with all the little nuances that time period brings.
I think this feeling occurs once siblings are separated because you don’t realize how much you care for each other when you have the privilege of being around each other constantly. When you are separated you grow to appreciate so many things about the person. I gained so much respect and admiration for my brother during his time at the Academy. He struggled through the rigorous program, but he did it. When I was applying for colleges, he was right there helping me the whole way. Sometimes if I’m having a bad day, I can call him and he will either talk smack to make me feel better (hehe…) or help me come up with a solution. I love the feeling of knowing that my family is always on my side. Even though my brother now lives in Wyoming and is about to be married, we both know we could call each other anytime and we would do whatever we could to help make things better.
I don't really have a ton of experience in this field. My brother is 9 years older than me, the age gap is huge and we don't fight a lot, but we're not super super close either. When my brother moved out he didn't really move very far away so there was never really the need for missing him. In my case he was always like 5 minutes away and whenever he needed something.....he was back. I guess I do think that it's a good thing that I've never really experienced the loss of a loved one. However, in all honesty, if my brother moved further away, even out of state, I don't think it would make us closer.
I love my brother, but as I said, the huge difference in our ages has caused us to not be as close as maybe siblings should. Now that I'm in college and everything I don't see him that often, and it hasn't really impacted our relationship. I think in most cases though being separated is a really tough thing that can often end relationships. I don't think that separation strengthens the relationship most of the time. There may be exceptions, but I think at first you miss the person all the time and they miss you and you try to communicate as often as possible. However, as time goes on life happens, people get busy and the bond gets weaker. I guess the closest experience I have to this is when a guy I'd been dating for a year moved to California for a semester of art school. I definitely do not feel that this strengthened our bond. We did the teenage thing where you talk on the phone every night for four months, but when he came back we pretty much picked up where we left off. In my experience, bonds are not strengthened by separation.
Interesting, almost the same thing happened with me and my sister. We are 16 months apart and grew up at odds with each other. We were always competing in sports, school, and basically everything and that led to a lot of ill feelings towards one another. We always felt like we couldn't do certain things together because in the end one of us would always get hurt. Recently, after moving out, we have gotten much closer. I think that not constantly being together helped our friendship a lot. Being separated gave us both our own space and helped us appreciate each other more.
My older brother and I are separated by 4 years. Growing up we never really had much in common because when I was in elementary school, he was in midschool; when I was in midschool, he was in high school and so on. However, we have always been really really close. As I have previously said, he was the consistent figure in my life around at my dad's and my mom's house. Most people are shocked by how comfortable and close our relationship is. The only topic that is not allowed is boys, on my part :) he is the typical, extremely overprotective brother.
When he moved out of the house for college, I saw him much less even though he just went to UNM. The freedom went straight to his head. But within a year or two, he moved home for awhile when I was a junior in high school. We finally had common interests. I had matured more and we started hanging out all of the time. The separation did not really hinder or help our relationship; however, once he returned home, our relationship flourished and became much stronger. We lived separate lives for a year or so and now when he or I go on vacation without the other, it is a huge hardship. We have talk on the phone all of the time, even if we do not have much to say.
Overall, the separation created a neutral phase in our relationship, but his return made all of the difference!
I can absolutely see where you are coming from Peter. My sister and I used to fight a lot but about an hour later we"d forget about it and move on like it never happened. Same with my younger brothers. I believe its just that you've been around them your whole life and for what ever reason when you fight, you just stop caring for that instant and because you know how to push their buttons, the fight usually ends quickly and is forgotten. Just imagine how awkward families would be if you didn't forgive each other easily.
On the topic of someone leaving, my sister moved recently to Amman, Jordan(its in the Middle East for those of you who don't know) and it has not really effected our bond. I miss her but when I talk to her on skype or facebook, we still joke around the same, and just catch each other up on what's been going on. I think in the long run it will strengthen our bond because we aren't around each other as often to get on the other persons nerves.
Growing up with three sisters was definitely not the easiest thing, but for the most part, now that we have all moved away from home we remain close to each other. My oldest sister and I are almost fourteen years apart so growing up I was never that close with her because when I was starting kindergarten she was moving into the dorms for college. As for my other two sisters, I am eight years younger than one and three years younger than the other. When my second oldest sister started college, however, she did not move out because she decided to start at the VC and so did my other sister. I think that because they both didn't move out, it made us closer in some ways but a lot of the time we would end up fighting.
Both of my two oldest sisters ended up moving to opposite ends of the country when they got married. The difference between the two was that while it was still hard saying goodbye to my oldest sister, we weren't as close and it was much harder saying goodbye to my second. After they had moved we all kept in touch but we would talk to my second oldest sister every single day whereas my other sister maybe once or twice a week.
While I was closer with one sister over the other, I think that is what strengthened our bond. With my other sister it took some time to somewhat "get to know each other" because for the majority of my life she hadn't been around as often. Now I have to say that we have become very close. Like Christian said about her relationship with her brother, she matured as I did as well, and this strengthened our relationship. I mean for both of us when she moved out, there wasn't much to talk about between a college freshman and a four year old, but now that I'm older it's easier to relate to each other.
I think it depends on how the relationship is from the beginning as to whether or not it will strengthen or weaken the familial ties. From my experience if you're close, you'll probably stay that way, and if not then you won't, but it can change completely like it did for me.
With me and my siblings, our bonds haven't really been that effected by separation. My half-brother is 10 years older than me, and he was raised by his mom, so we've never been super close. My sister is 5 years older than me, and we did (sometimes still do) argue like siblings do. She lived at home through college, so even though I saw her less, she didn't really leave. Because of that, our family dynamic or sibling bond didn't change.
The funny thing is that now that I'm living in the dorms, my sister and I fight less and seem to have more to talk about. It's only subtle changes that I've noticed since I moved into the dorm, so I don't know if its because I'm not at home all the time or if it was the natural progression of our relationship as I matured. I do definitely think that the little things that annoyed us when we lived in the same house seem petty now that we don't see each other every day.
In general, I think that separation can strengthen or weaken a bond depending on the people and circumstances involved in that separation.
It will always depend on the people involved whether or not a separation between two family members will strengthen or weaken their relationship.
Personally, I have experienced both circumstances with each of my siblings. My sister is seven years older than me, and my brother five years older. Growing up they were both my role models, but my brother and I were closer because we were closer in age.
Now they have both gotten married and moved: my sister to Tennessee and my brother to Rio Rancho. Surprisingly, however, I miss my sister so incredibly and though I only see my brother about once a month, I don't miss him the same way.
I do know that my feelings toward both of my siblings changed when they got married. When my brother got married, it was as if he became someone I never knew before. He was no longer my big brother, who looked out for me and was loving all the time. He became the husband of someone I didn't know very well, and soon after, he was a dad.
Although I miss my brother terribly, I miss who he used to be and who we were as close siblings. I think that is different than any other separation between people, because the bond simply disappeared in a sense.
With my sister however, when I grew up and became closer in maturity to the level that she was at, she saw me more as a friend than as an annoying little sister. She was always my number one role model, but I gradually became a friend to her with age. When she got married, things changed dynamically, but only because she moved out of the house and was a married woman. Our friendship was the same.
When she moved to Tennessee, I was heartbroken. I still remember the day my mom and I dropped her off at church before she left, and I cried like a baby while hugging her for the last time for a while. Now, I miss her more than anything, and because I am so busy, not talking to her makes me miss her even more. When she moved, we established a connection that is irreversible, a bond that will grow us closer always, as sisters who care about each other's lives and circumstances, and would do anything to make the other feel better.
My conclusion, then, is that it depends on each individual in the situation. It has everything to do with memories and things you've shared, but it also includes the circumstances under which the siblings are separated. Sometimes there is simply no way to predict what will happen to a familial bond. Feelings change and though love remains, its depth may vary.
As I said before, this has personally affected me through my brother. Years upon years, we fought to the death three or four times a day. Remembering back at it all, it surprises me how far we would go for the smallest of things. I believe that, when the moment of his departure loomed in the gloomy horizon, we finally realized how little it all meant.
And at the climax of it all, we understood that it didn't really matter enough who got the bigger piece of a broken candy bar.
I personally don't have any experience with any separation within my immediate family. Since I'm living at home for my first year of college, I haven't really left home. My little brother isn't about to leave home any time soon either.
But based on our current relationship, I would guess that we would miss each other more and more. Since we have such a big age difference, we don't really have too much in common. I usually just humor him and play whatever he wants to, which is usually video games. He likes to purposely annoy me at times because he thinks it's really funny, but I guess that's how all elementary school kids are like. When I went on a two week trip by my self two years ago, he called me everyday to tell me about what he did. Just based on that, I really think when I do leave home, we would grow a lot closer. Whenever he called me, he'd always tell me to come home, but then when I got home, he told me he had so much fun when I wasn't home :P.
I think family, and people in general, tend to grow closer and build stronger relationships when they face separation. When people are constantly together, they can become easily annoyed by little things since they see each other every waking minute, but when they are separated, all the little things become that much more precious, because one cannot even see that person anymore. I think it's just like that cliched saying, "You never know what you've got until it's gone."
We definitely live in an era where keeping in touch with people is EXTREMELY easy. So when you miss someone you can easily send a text, write a Facebook post, or even make the "traditional" phone call.
I have no siblings, so the only separation that I've ever had is from my parents; this has never been for longer than a month. My parents aren't the most tech savvy people that you'll ever meet, so it was always phone calls while I was away.
Being the traditionalist that my mom is, I know that at every dance camp that I went to, she sent me a cute card that told me how much she missed me. I know that I was busy dancing and making friends, but her cards always meant the world to me. They made me realize how much I missed her too.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have any way to keep in touch with my family, things would eventually not start to go well. My mom gives good advice, suggestions, and comfort as only a mother can when I need it. I’m not trying to make my relationship with my mom sound like it’s perfect, cause it isn’t. Yet, being separated for a while has definitely made me notice how much I did (and do) still rely on her. She’s my mom, and I know that she will always be there. Or she’ll at least send me cute cards : )
At first I was going to say that I had no experience with being separated from my sibling, and thus couldn't really add to this discussion. But then I realized that although Claire and I have never spent longer than a week apart, separation from her still affects our relationship.
We are very, very close and enjoy our friendship, but when I spend too long in her company without a break, I become irritable. We start bickering, and Claire begins to worry that she is somehow at fault, which only makes me more irritable. The only way to break the cycle is for me to go be by myself for a bit.
So, while I can venture no opinion on what a long-term separation does for/to a sibling relationship, I can definitely say that a short-term separation can definitely help strengthen bonds and make both parties more appreciative of each other.
Hmmm... I'm having a hard time deciding whether separation strengthens or weakens a close bond. I can think of two situations that fit. Like many of you, I have an older sibling that left for college 3 years ago and this separation definitely affected our relationship. We were always really close but we also argued a lot and had a different way of doing things that often caused disagreements. When the time came for her to leave, I had mixed feelings... it was hard being away from her yet the space actually made us closer. The pointless bickering was no longer an issue and being apart made me really appreciate her when she was around. So in this case, I would have to say separation strengthened our relationship.
However, in a slightly different situation, my best friend moved to Michigan in August about the same time I started college this fall. Before she moved, we did everything together and when we weren't together we talked on the phone, texted and e-mailed etc. Her leaving was extremely hard on both of us and we kept telling each other our relationship would stay the same no matter what. After about a month and a half though, I can already feel it changing. We don't have that much to relate to anymore and our correspondences are getting shorter and shorter. This realization is hard, but somehow I know (at least at this time) our relationship is going to change. Maybe in the future it will become close again depending on the circumstances but for now I'm definitely convinced the separation is the guilty culprit in causing our friendship to fade.
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