Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Different Parents for Different Kids
Okay, so to tie into the whole theme of family I want to know if you guys think it's true that your parents are different parents for each of their children. For instance, usually the firstborn is the "experiment child" and the baby of the family is the most spoiled and gets away with almost anything. I also want to know if you have any personal stories about this topic. Were you ever allowed or not allowed to do something that one of your other siblings did or didn't get to do? The idea of this concept is that even though you technically have the same parents as your brothers and sisters you don't really have the same parents. So since each child is different from their siblings it makes sense that parents would be differ in how they raise each child right? I just want to know what you guys think or if you have any stories that relate to this! :)
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I completely agree that parents raise each child differently based on their order of births and gender as well. I think that each child is raised with the same amount of love, but the discipline or leniency varies depending on the child.
In my family, there is only my brother and myself. My brother was the first child, so everything was a big experiement with him. My parents initially tried taking the very strict route with him, but he rebelled so much that at some point they just gave up on him. In the end, he was allowed to pretty much do anything he wanted to, but when he came home, it was not an accepting environment. While on the other hand, I am the baby of the family and yes, I am spoiled. However, I could not get away with murder in any sense. Since, my brother rebelled so much, my parents tried to be even more strict with me and they knew all of the secrets and tricks by then, so it was even more difficult for me to get away with anything.
Even more importantly, I think gender has a huge effect on how parents differentiate between how they raise their children. I cannot tell you how many times I was given the reason, "cause he's a boy", for why my brother could do somethings and I could not. Just for the simple fact that I am a girl, I was restricted so much more by my parents.
Overall, my brother got the more lenient side of my parents after some major rebelling and I got the crappy end of the stick with the strictness. We are equally loved, but to this day, my parents look at us in different lights because of who we are, our ages and our genders.
I also definitely agree that parents act differently toward each child. Each child has different personalities and interests, and thus the parents adjust how they raise each child. Also, the age difference brings different expectations from parents. Parents usually expect more from the older child and trust the older child with more responsibilities. Older children are the ones that are supposed to take care of their younger siblings.
I have a younger brother, and my parents do treat us differently, but I don't really mind. I remember back in the gold old days when the old school Gameboy was really popular, and I begged and begged continuously for one. My parents made me wait quite a while before they got me one. However, with my little brother, he begged about twice for a Wii, and he got it. It seems unfair, but I was pretty much going to buy him the Wii myself if my parents didn't, because his begging was soooo annoying. Like I said, each child is different, and so parents have to respond accordingly. My begging was mild said my parents compared to my brother's almost-obsessive nagging.
Because people are different, the same rules can't really apply to eveyrone in the same way. Also, since times have changed, some rules are obsolete, and some rule become necessary. Like when I was little, there weren't too many games on the Internet for me to play, so my parents never really had any rules about how long I could use the computer for, since I rarely used the computer anyways. However, my little brother faces a wide variety of things to do on a computer, so he has a list of rules regarding computer usage. In some ways my parents were more lenient towards me, and in other ways, they are much more lenient towards my brother.
Parents aren't perfect, and so they might do things that seem unfair in regards to their children, but that doesn't mean they don't love their children all equally. Parents love all their kids equally, but just express the love in different ways, as each kid is different.
Since I only have one sibling, who is my twin, and since my closest friends have either been only children or have had adult siblings, I can't really comment on how kids' birth order affects the way they are parented. I haven't really had chances to observe those differences.
I do know that there wasn't much difference in the way Claire and I were raised (from my perspective.) Most of the differences arose from our personalities; we each responded to problems, praise and discipline in our own way. Mom and Dad may have been different parents to each of us, but it wasn't arbitrary; they tailored their parenting styles for each of us, and that is part of what made them good parents.
However, I think there are definitely some cases where parents treat/raise their kids differently with negative effects. On that note, I have a question for Christian: what do you think about having been told you couldn't do stuff because you were a girl? How has that affected you, if at all?
I think that the parenting depends on the child. Gender, order of birth, and age all play an important role, but in the end I think it comes down to the child as a person. My mom raised me with the hands-off approach and it worked out pretty well somehow, but my brother is being raised in the same way, and he just isn't doing as well in school as I was. It's because he's different from me; the fact that we're different genders also probably makes a big difference. He's the baby and he's spoiled for sure, but I generally get what I want too, so it's okay. I think that parents just adapt to the needs of their children. When I was little I was always jealous of how much attention my mom gave to my brother instead of me. She told me that he needed it more because he was younger and I was more independent. At the time it didn't make sense, but now I understand that my mom was just trying to do the best for both of us, which was hard because we needed different things at the same time. I would agree that we as children might experience our parents differently than our siblings, but I think that they're still the same parents and provide the same essentials.
I agree that parents do treat or raise their kids differently based on birth order, gender, or age difference etc. I don't think this is really intentional, it just happens after time and familiarity change how they feel about parenting. In my family, my older sister was the first child and she was definitely the trial run for them. I think they were also much more careful with her as a baby. (Not that I know this from remembering... but I've heard stories). For example, my parents kept my sister's crib in their room for a long time while she was little; however, by the time I came along they just automatically put me to sleep in a different room. I guess they realized babies aren't as fragile as they thought.
My sister and I are only 3 years apart and we didn't have too many rules that separated us based on age. I know a lot of parents make their younger child go to bed earlier and things like that but it was never that way. We were allowed to do pretty much the same things and that, for me as the youngest, gave me a slight advantage. The biggest difference, between us, was probably their expectations. I think my parents placed a higher expectation and responsibility on my older sister which they didn't for me. They really wanted her to pursue a career in science or engineering and all throughout high school she had to live with that pressure. They never placed that same pressure on me, I think because she had already fulfilled that need.
All in all, I believe my parents tried their best to raise us equally, but it never quite turns out that way. I think they still view us differently but definitely love us both for who we are.
I could not relate to this statement more!! But surprisingly in my family, the statement of the first child being the “experiment” and the baby being the “spoiled” one is somewhat reversed. My brother was a very easygoing, quiet kid and he still is the same way now as an adult. He is a very passive aggressive person that always stayed out of conflict with my parents. I, on the other hand, was very outspoken and somehow always managed to find myself deep in conflict with my parents.
As I’ve said before, my parents were incredibly strict. For example, it was a huge deal if we watched PG-13 movies and were not thirteen yet. My brother would want to go to a PG-13 movie and instead of arguing about the rule that we both thought was stupid, he would say he was going to a different movie and go to the PG-13 one instead. I on the other hand, would stand there and argue and get upset because all of my friends were able to go but I couldn’t. I would say that I was going to go anyways and blah blah… you get the point. I was a stupid loud mouth.
This personality difference between my brother and I without a doubt influences the way our parents react to each of us. They are very easy going and lenient with him because he never gave them any reason to think he was disobeying or being difficult. With me, everything has always been a battle because we are always in constant argument. So I guess in my family, my brother is the spoiled one… :P
I do think that parents treat each of their children differently. For one thing, every person has a different personality and temperament. A parent is going to approach things differently for his shy, quiet 9 year-old than for his problematic teenage one. This is one of those things that is an inevitability, and to some extent its a good thing. I mean, everyone is individual, and it's good for people to acknowledge that individuality, especially their parents. This in no way means that parents show favoritism, but they do approach parenting based on the individual needs of their children.
Although different parenting styles are almost always present in households with more than one child, I don't think they necessarily follow the pattern of the oldest being the "practice" or "experiment" child who gets the strictest parents, and the baby being spoiled. In my family, I feel like I was raised by slightly stricter parents than my older sister because I am the baby. (She would probably disagree with that.) For a long time, it was a back and forth between my sister and I, with our parents in the middle. I would ask why I had to do something when Maggie didn't and she would claim that I had it easier than she did at my age (though I saw little evidence of that). The one thing I know for sure is that my parents kept me closer to home for longer, probably because I'm their last child.
The bottom line is that parents treat different kids differently because they are different, but the love and opportunities given to different children should be the same.
I absolutely agree with this concept. My oldest sister had the strictest curfews and had the chore of driving myself and my brothers anywhere we wanted to go. Also, she was in charge of taking us from our moms to our dads house. This was a task by itself because we could call her like 20 times making sure she was going to come and knew what time and everything.
However when I was able to drive then I took up this task of driving my brothers around. I had a somewhat strict curfew, but not as bad as my sisters, but it was still enforced. The other thing that was pretty strict between us was dating. We weren't allowed to date until we were sixteen (not that either of us abided by that) but we weren't allowed to go out and see a boy.
Now that my brothers are old enough to drive though they have pretty much total freedom. I believe it is a combination of them being boys and them being the youngest that makes this so. They both have had girlfriends for around 7/9 months and they are only fifteen. Also, they are allowed to go out at night with their girlfriends and I am pretty sure the latest they came home was eleven. Which was my curfew as a junior! It is not fair, but I think parents start to stress less when their kids are older, also because they have gone through it before. It is not as hard to see your fourth kid leave the house as it probably is to see your first kid old enough to drive.
I do think that it's true that parents are different parents to each of their children. My parents certainly are because of the differences in my and my brother's personalities. Since I'm the oldest I got to try a lot of things before my brother. I was my parents' first run at sleepovers, high school, teaching a teen how to drive, letting your child go places without parent supervision, high school relationships, college and having a child move away, and so many other things. With me they had to kind of feel it out. But there are a lot of things I've done that my brother won't do or want to, like some of the things I've gotten in trouble for. I am rather persistent when I want something, and this became sort of a problem late in high school. Because you're older and so much close to being an adult, which to me equated to being able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted, you just keep pushing because you want that freedom. I think I fought about that with my parents more than they ever will with my brother. So with me they had to deal with me, punish me and set boundaries, but with my brother they probably won't have to. One thing similar about my brother and I, though, is that we are both independent. However, he is more independent to a much higher degree than I am. My parents don't really have to deal with him going out a lot like they did with me or dealing with me bringing all my friends home or any of that drama. They don't have to ask questions like: where are you going, who are you with, when will you be back, etc, as often. My friends were, and are a huge part of my life, but he seems to be more concerned about family, which I just realized, and that I think is really cool. But anyway back to the whole letting us go places, sometimes when he went out last year (I was a senior, about to leave, and he was just a sophomore), and this was probably my fault, he would go to the movies after school, but he wouldn't tell my parents. So they would call, freaking out, demanding to know where he was, and he would just say, "Oh, I was just at the movies with so and so". I think they got so scared because he had probably learned that from me doing that but on a more dramatic scale. My brother is so much more mellow than I am; he's not at all impulsive. When they started teaching him to drive over the summer, they were a lot more calm about it than they were with me. Maybe it's because I was chomping at the bit to learn how to drive, while my brother is more tentative than eager, so he's not as likely to go punching the gas pedal. The reason my parents freak out over nothing with him (they always bicker and fight about the tiniest, stupidest things) is probably because they think they missed the little things with me before they led to the big things. They're afraid he will do some of the things that I did, and I sometimes wonder if he will too. I already feel like I put out a bad example, but I think he's smarter than to copy me. Thinking back, personality-wise, I started out much like how he is now, but just got progressively more and more out of my shell until my shyness was out of the way and my personality came through. My parents' experiences with me have prepared them to deal with a plethora of situations; we just have to see which learning experiences they will be putting to use.
I certainly agree that parents treat their children differently in some aspects, but not all parents spoil the younger child and "experiment" with the oldest. Of course, the parents always learn the most when they raise their first child, to better raise their other children. In my family, I was the youngest, but certainly not the most spoiled.
Each person is different, so how they treat their parents affects how their parents treat them.
I was a troublemaker, and I had an argumentative personality, so as a child I was disciplined a lot and certainly not spoiled. Some parents, however, do spoil their children regardless of the child's behavior. Perhaps that would just be bad parenting.
It all varies with the situation, and different parents will treat their children differently than other parents. Hopefully the parents learn over time how to best raise their children.
I know that my parents raised each of us differently. Not being a parent I don't have much experience, but I would assume that parenting is a learning process. I think that my older sister, the firstborn, wasn't the most spoiled at all, but quite the opposite. My parents were the most strict with her and more lenient with me and my brother. My little brother is definitely the most spoiled, being the baby and the only boy. I don't really mind though. Like my mom always says "life isn't fair" and, even though it's hard to accept sometimes, I've come to agree with that statement. Of course your parents are going to parent each of their kids differently. I think that they have to. Certain parenting techniques that apply to me might not have any affect on my brother or sister. I think that it makes perfect sense that parents differ in how they raise each child.
Although it may seem unfair to the children, it is common practice to raise different children by different standards within the same family. I believe that the reason behind this practice is that as every person is essentially genetically and emotionally unique. It would make no sense to fence in a bird or drown a fish. As every person acts differently, it would be naive of a set of parents to enforce the exact same rules for all of their children.
In my personal experience, I was allowed to do things at an earlier age than my older brother in many different cases. And in the same sense, my younger brother has and will continue to be privileged to do certain activities at an earlier age than I. This process could have predictably continued as my parents experience would have increased parallel to the passing time.
Since I am an only child, I really don't have any sort of personal relevance to this topic.
I guess it makes sense that each child is different, therefore the ways of raising each one should be different as well. Yet, I also believe that there needs to be consistency. For example, if there are two daughters in a family, the age that they are allowed to start wearing make-up should be the same for each girl. That way there is no favoritism shown.
As for my own experiences growing up, I suppose that I was the "experiment" child, but being the only child, I was also the "spoiled" one. I hate those terms. As many people have pointed out, every child (person) is different, and each needs their own way of being raised. Therefore, every child is an "experiment" child. As for being "spoiled", yes, I got to do more things because I was the only child my parents had to concern themselves with. But this did not make me a "spoiled" brat because I still had expectations to live up to. I would like to say instead that I was fortunate with my upbringing. And for the record, I always wanted a sibling!
I definitely agree that parents raise each child differently because that's exactly how my sisters and I were raised. I think my oldest sister was the "experiment" child because I know my parents were a lot more strict with her than they ever were with me. As the baby of my family I was able to get away with a lot more than the rest of sisters as well. For instance, my parents were strict with us when it came to when we were allowed to date, all of my sisters couldn't until they were at least sixteen, but I was the exception, and was allowed to a year early.
I think if I had a brother he would get the more lenient side of my parents, but since we are all girls, our birth order affected how each of us was raised and what we were allowed to do. Now when we look back on stuff that happened while we were growing up, one of sisters will ask why I was allowed to do things that they weren't, and there never really is a response except that we're different and that's just the way they decided things. I laugh because my sisters or other extended family members always comment on what my parents have given me or let me do compared to them, and always end up mocking the fact that it's because i'm the "baby," and the "spoiled" one, their "little girl," or my personal favorite "it's just because you're the last one." And I completely agree with all of these reasons why they treat me the way they do. :)
Yes parents are different for each of their children, but depending on their age, how many siblings there are, and so many other factors, each child is a different person and needs different parenting. I am the oldest child in my family, and spent years getting all of the love, and was, in a way, spoiled by the attention I got. It probably also helped that I was the first grandchild for both sides of my family as well. I was always surrounded by people, but was under a stricter regiment than my siblings, in fact, my mom's favorite story is that until I was four, she had me convinced that yogurt was ice cream, and graham crackers were cookies (way to go mom, fooled a four year old with no point of reference). My younger brother, because he was so close to me in age, got less attention, sort of rioted for it, but better privileges and more responsibilities earlier (my mom never brags about fooling him that a graham cracker was a cookie until he was two). And my sister, eight years my junior, can do whatever she wants with my dad, because it's all going to happen anyway in his eyes, and drives my mom crazy, because her brothers never wanted this much stuff (her desire for things is my dad's fault). Overall, I'm happy I'm the first one.
I agree that parents end up parenting each child somewhat differently. I don't think it's intentional and I believe that for the most part parents try to be fair, but differences just naturally happen. Parents gain more experience after one child and sometimes they try to improve their parenting skills with the second. The personalities of children are also always different and so require different parental skills. There are a lot of factors that can affect the way parents treat their children. The age difference can also determine how much responsibility a parent gives a child or how much they spoil them. There are always differences, but hopefully all parents do the best they can.
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