It can be anything like if you have conflicting political or religious views from any of your family members or if you have a parent or grandparent with racist, homophobic, or just outdated views that you disagree with. How did/do you deal with these conflicting ideologies within your own family?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Conflicting Beliefs
In class we talked about our different cultural beliefs and how they may have been influenced when we came into contact with people of different cultures or belief systems. I was wondering if any of you have had this kind of experience within your own families. What I mean is, have you ever had a belief that conflicted with one of your family member's beliefs?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
22 comments:
As I said in class yesterday, my grandfather was really upset when my immediate family, cousins, aunts, and uncles began attending Calvary instead of the Catholic church. We changed when I was still a kid, but as time progressed I understood more of what was going on. My own family remained respectful to his views as opposed to other family members who shut him down completely. I'm so glad that my parents did not act the way the other aunts and uncles were because I don't think I would have been as close to him as I was. As I got older we would talk to him about our church and listen to his views as well. Although we didn't exactly see eye to eye knew it was just best to agree to disagree rather than argue. I knew he wasn't going to change and he knew the same went for me because really you can't change anyone who doesn't want to change.
Although I was no longer Catholic, I still would make it a point to attend church with him every now and then out of respect for him and I'd do it a million times over just to see the smile on his face that lasted for days after. I knew that it hurt him that we were no longer regular members of the Catholic church but at the same time I think he grew a new respect for Christianity.
It's hard sometimes when religion comes into the conversation with some of my friends that do not share my same beliefs and there have been plenty of arguments. However, by the time the conversation ends we realize that there was no point in arguing because we weren't going to change or convert the other one. When conversations pertaining to religion or even politics, I've realized that it's better to not even get into an argument because it's not worth and everyone always ends up mad. Having conversations about it and "agreeing to disagree" is fine, just when it crosses over to the whole "I'm right and you're wrong" thing is when things can get ugly.
I can't really recall my family ever having problems with conflicting beliefs. For the most part, we tend to agree on fundamental beliefs, and when we don't there isn't a lot of argument. One of my parents is a democrat and one is a republican but they don't argue about polictics or values or anything. When my family had drama or arguments, they usually involve my extended family like my aunts or uncles. However, I really can't think of a specific example of conflicting beleifs.
The only thing I can really think of is my uncle and aunt on my mom's side who don't seem to value family as highly as the rest of us do. They don't like to come and visit very often even though thier two year old grandson lives here and they don't even really keep in touch. My family of course treats them well when they do come, but we're not really surprised when they don't get involved in family events.
My family is pretty much on the same page as far as beliefs go. We may not all be the same religion, but overall we share the same values and morals as a whole. For example, my aunt is Jewish. She converted before she married her husband after growing up in a catholic household. I really look up to her because though her religion may be different than my families, she doesn't let that bother her or try and change our views. It's not a big deal because we are all family and share that bond, which, in my opinion, is stronger than any religion that a person can follow.
My whole family is generally on the same page religiously and politically, or at least there are no arguments or tension involving these subjects. The only thing that I can think of that was an issue with my family for awhile is that my family is the only one that does not attend church every Sunday. My mom is one of 4 daughters and the other 3, as well as my Nana and Papa, have very strong Catholic views and believe that attending mass on Sunday trumps everything else.
When I was younger, we would attend church very regularly. For some reason, we slowly stopped going as often and for the past 4 years or so, I only went when there was mass during school at Pius.
This was an issue within the family when I was younger because my family could not understand why my mom did not enforce us going to church like all of them did. They thought she was teaching us negative religious habits or something of that kind. They eventually accepted that it was just not something that my family choose to partake in. We still are religious and have strong moral values, we just do not attend mass.
This is not a very strong example of inter-family conflict, but it was the only one I could think of.
I can definitely see how Christian's example portrays an inter-family conflict. Her family seems more accepting than my own personal example. I think that our posts sort of relate to each other because in the end both our families accepted the choices made by our family members.
My mom and dad both have two siblings--my mom has two sisters, and my dad has two brothers.
In both situations, one sibling is close to my family and has the same general beliefs, therefore getting along well with my family. My mom's other sister and my dad's other brother, however, have always been somewhat distant from my family in both belief and character.
My aunt has always had a personality that I can only describe as...different. She has been distant ever since I can remember, and sometimes we are just left wondering what she is really thinking. A good example of this is one time when she had an outburst and said that Jesus is not God. She had always professed to be a strong Christian, and this sudden "Jewish" claim was unexpected. I put "Jewish" in quotation marks because to this day I don't have any understanding of what SHE even thinks she believes, and her inconsistency causes me to doubt the things that she has said throughout the years.
My uncle is very similar to my aunt. He has never been involved with any family except my grandmother while she was still living. My family speculated many times throughout the years that he just doesn't seem to function well in society. One day when my family went to the house he and my grandmother were living to visit, he stood at the door and blocked us from entering the house. Clearly, this caused a great deal of conflict with us. His reasoning from keeping us from seeing my grandmother was not logical, and was just an excuse to allow him to be in complete control over her. I sometimes to this day have a hard time forgiving him from keeping my family from spending time with the only grandparent I ever knew, for that took away an opportunity that I could have had to know my grandmother a little better while she was still mostly healthy.
I hope that these examples answer your question, Miranda. These two relatives have made conflict in my family many times that I can remember, and the sad truth is that my family has simply avoided them both. I wish I could help them in some way, or show them that they are repelling the people who love them, but sadly I also know that they would not hear my words in the right context, and only more conflict would result. Sadly, these conflicts are still unresolved.
When I was younger I was very strong in my Lutheran, Christian belief, mostly because of my grandma. She took me to church every Sunday and really encouraged my participation. My mom, meanwhile, never attended church, never prayed at meal time, and never showed a very strong devotion to God. I was very troubled by this and would often question why she behaved as she did. She usually got mad at me and told me that I couldn't force my own beliefs on other people. She also told me that she did indeed believe in God, but that she was going to go about showing it as she pleased. We never really saw eye to eye on many religious or moral concepts until I got older and started experiencing more of what she told me affected her in these areas. I never really approved of the way that she conducted herself with men, but then I realized that she can do whatever she wants because I'm solely responsible for myself. We don't have conflicting political views because she's removed herself from that area in general. So once again, I'm annoyed that she doesn't vote or pay attention to the political world, but that is her choice and she is free to do what she wants just as I have the ability to make my own decisions. I would say that the best way we deal with conflicting ideologies in my family is by tolerating the differences, and allowing time to mature us and give us understanding and foresight into the views of the other members.
All of my family practices varying religious beliefs. My grandma, a stereotypical catholic Hispanic abuela, dislikes the fact that my Mother is Unitarian and my step-father a Deist. My grandma makes it clear on every holiday occasion (as those are the only times she comes over) that her holiday is more special than our holiday. She even goes as far as saying that we should have never left god's good graces.
It sounds like my family dislikes my grandma a whole lot. But, with family, there is love. And out of respect for what my Abuela has done for the family, no one ever has and never will say anything to her every holiday, easter to Christmas.
As far as my immediate family goes, we have similar values for the most part. The most conflict happens in my extended family. My family is full of opinionated people, especially my dad and and especially when it comes to politics. Whenever my aunts and uncles come over and they engage in a political discussion, we try to change the subject because we've found that what starts as a friendly debate ends up in an argument. When it comes to that kind of stuff, you can argue until your blue in the face, but you won't change anyone's mind that way.
Like I've said before, my family is pretty open-minded, so we haven't had to fight against outdated beliefs. My family is interracial and i've had a few family members come out as gay, and no one in my family cares. It's one of the things I'm most proud of my family for, but sadly some of my friends' families are less openminded and would be mortified if their children married outside their race or came out as gay to the point where relationships in the family are recked. So, for the sake of further discussion, what do you think of this kind of family conflict? Is any belief worth disowning a family member?
When I was younger...well I was unaware of a lot of things when I was younger. I didn't realize that my family was not all the same religion. On my dad's side everyone is Catholic, but on my mom's side there are different denominations. To the best of my knowledge no one's ever really fought about it. I just remember once my aunt went to church with her step son and his wife and she was telling us about how she was surprised by something they had said in their creed, that she didn't realize their church was still a part of another church. I would rather learn about others' religions than fight about it.
One thing I have gotten into a fight about, which I think is unfortunate, is homosexuality. I had gotten into huge trouble with my mom about something completely not related and I was probably trying to argue the point that if one person does something, and it doesn't affect anyone else, then that person should be able to do as they please. And I brought that up, and so we started yelling about that as well because she and my father do not believe that, and they have passed that on to my younger brother as well. Yelling about it didn't really help anyway.
One of the things I really do believe, though, is that everyone is allowed to have their own opinion and act as they so choose, but they should still be respectful of others. Something that teenagers get into a lot is the whole drinking and drugs thing, if you want to do those things go right ahead, that is up to you, but know that you are the one taking care of yourself, and someone trying to force you not to this is probably just going to make you more determined. A lot of the time arguing with someone else just makes them that much more solid in their beliefs.
In my immediate family, we don't really have any conflicting views, as we usually all agree on political and religious views. However, with my extended family, my immediate family has minor conflicts in regards to relgious and even cultural views.
Since the rest of my family lives in China, cultural views definitely come into conflict. My grandparents have very different ideas about how my parents should raise my brother and me. They think my parents are too lenient, and in China, obedience is really stressed. Also, my grandmother is a bit sexist, which is really contradicting, as she likes to take charge of the family and boss everyone around. Although some of the sexist comments she makes really bother me, because she's my grandmother, I still choose to be respectful. I remind myself that she did grow up in a time and society where sexism was accepted. I usually don't think it's my place to argue with my elders, so I just choose to talk to her about other things. Also, with Chinese culture really emphasizing respect for the elders and obedience, arguing with her would just bring me into more conflict.
The rest of my family members are all atheist, and so they don't really understand my immediate family's religious choice either. My cousins ask me about why I became a Christian like I'm crazy. Usually, I try to explain to them, even though I know they really don't expect an answer and only asked the question rhetorically. However, the language barrier makes it kind of difficult, and in the end, I just sort of just leave the issue alone.
I still get along realy well with my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Although there are some conflicting views, I don't make a huge deal out of them. We usually just don't discuss them. I don't think fighting over differing views will help either party. They accept my differences and I accept theirs. There are so many different views in the world, and I don't think just because people are family that they necessarily have to agree with each other. I think the different views keep life a little more interesting.
I think the major belief contradiction in my family is the belief that we should be able to date when we are seventeen. I used to resent that my mom and dad agreed upon that as the age that my sister and I were allowed to start seeing boys. However now that I am older I appreciate it, because I see everyday all the mistakes teenage girls make when they are too immature to know how to deal with a relationship. The worst part about this contradiction is that my twin brothers, that are fifteen, both have girlfriends and they are allowed to come over to the house and go out to movies and things. I guess that rule only applied to girls in my family.. Needless to say, I'm glad I am not seventeen anymore!:)
In my immediate family, we don't have many conflicts between our basic beliefs. In fact my parents were the one's that helped shaped what I believe today. However, it would be wrong to say that I just accepted everything they taught me just because they said. I discovered on my own and eventually shaped this into my own set of values and beliefs. For the most part though, we all get along. I've learned a lot from my family about faith, religion, politics, and world issues. It's great to be able to have a strong family who can relate the same way to these issues and also help guide me in my thoughts and opinions about them.
There really are not any major conflicts in my extended family either. We have some differences in religion or values but one thing my family is great about is accepting everyone for who they are. When all of us get together everyone is welcomed and loved, and I can't be thankful enough to have a family like that.
In my family, the biggest area of dispute between us is definitely each of our political views. Between the four of us, we have views that range from conservative to democratic and every oddball party in-between. Politics is a topic that my brother and dad, more so than my mom and I, use to play devil’s advocate with each other. My brother went through high school ROTC and is now an officer in the Air Force and has been extremely conservative from the time he was in high school. My dad takes the democratic side of an issue just for the sake of argument. I have grown up in the performing arts world and homosexuals have always been around me, which was normal to me and never bothered me. I have several very close friends who are homosexual and when the topic of gay marriage comes up, my mom and dad will purposely argue with me about it from the political standpoint.
So I guess in my family, the political views really aren’t a discrepancy that deeply affects our relationship between family members. I always thought my parents argued politically with my brother and I so that we always thought of an issue from two separate sides. Also, when my parents argued with us like that, it made my brother and I not only truly understand an issue but for us to be able to stand up for why or why not we agreed/disagreed.
I can also relate to Ruth's comment however. In my post, I was coming strictly from thinking about my immediate family. But many of my extended family members are atheist as well. I have one cousin who thoroughly likes to argue with my religious beliefs and is trying to constantly devalue my beliefs. I think religion is a topic that is hard to come to a mutual understanding about. I accept that my cousin is atheist and don't try to devalue or degrade what he thinks because I've attempted to share my beliefs and if he doesn't want to accept them then there is nothing I can do. Whereas Ruth's family is able to leave this beside them, my cousin will not let it go!! All of my other family members have sort of "agreed to disagree" when it comes to religion and it never comes up as a source of issue. I guess my cousin just likes the argument :P
My immediate family holds views that are quite similar to my own, although I know my sister would like it if I attended church more frequently. Her religious leanings tend to be a little more traditional than Mom's, Dad's and mine, but that usually does not lead to arguments.
I'm not actually sure what a lot of my other relatives believe with regard to politics or religion. I haven't noticed anyone being overtly bigoted, although my uncle who is gay has still not come out to his father. I'm pretty sure Gramps wouldn't understand it, and I'm willing to forgive him that because that's probably how he was raised, and because he is not a hateful man.
I also think I'd have noticed if anyone in my family was racist, since my aunt Linda is from Taiwan and my aunt Sonal's family is Indian.
So on the whole, there doesn't seem to be a lot of ideological conflict in my family- but I'm not around most of them often enough to be sure.
Great comments everyone. I agree that the best way to deal with conflicting beliefs in a family is to understand that everyone has different viewpoints and that arguing only causes rifts in the family, which just isn't worth it. I think that expressing your opinion and beliefs is good to do, even if your family believes differently. Sometimes, when a family can openly discuss various opinion based topics, we can open our family members perspectives to our way of thinking and vice versa. The only issue I have is when beliefs take precedence over family bonds its an issue. I don't think any belief warrants disowning a family member, but I think that in the cases where a family member's intolerance towards any group or belief is close to or is hatred, then we should stand up for what we feel is right. Thankfully It sounds like none of us has that extreme of a family situation.
I completely agree, Miranda.
In most cases, a belief is not more important than a family member, in regard to caring more about the belief than you care about that family member. I also agree that it is a good idea to express your own opinions to your relatives, especially if you do not agree with theirs. Even if that results in a discussion, it is nice to show other people your perspective, sometimes in the hope of letting them see it in your eyes, and possibly agreeing with you. If they don't agree with you, it can be tough to continue to get along with them when discussing like issues, but when it comes down to it, family will virtuually always be more important than certain beliefs, especially petty ones. And even if they are not "more important", they still deserve the same amount of love as they would if they agreed with you.
Hey, Afish- about your earlier comment, what exactly do you mean by a "'Jewish' claim"? Do you mean that what your aunt said was characteristic of the Jewish faith? It confused me, because it seems like you're using Jewish as a synonym for inconsistent or something.
For me, I can't think of any major conflicting interests within my family. We all essentially have the same views regarding religion. I guess there are some political differences, but I try to avoid those as much as possible. So this never really created a riff between my family members and myself.
I guess the one thing that creates some tension in my family is that sometimes my grandfather can say some really rude things about women. Since I am a woman, some of the things that he says also offends me. I call him on it by telling him "Hey, you shouldn't say things like that". He usually drops it after that. I can kinda understand why he says these things; he grew up in a different time with a different set of values. My grandfather is the nicest person in the world, he just says things in his private spectrum that he probably should not.
I can also definitely relate to the political feuds that sometimes enter families. Not so much in my extended family, but I have an uncle who is a hardcore republican who likes to try and educate the rest of my family and swing them to his side. I think most of my extended family varies with their political stances, but I know that most of them regardless of their party recieve emails from my uncle portraying democrats as bad and republicans as the ones who will save the country. Thankfully he doesn't have a hold of my email.
Post a Comment